By Georgina Clatworthy

If you have been invited to a wedding, then brushing up on your wedding guest etiquette skills would not be a bad thing.  Many of us think we know how to conduct ourselves in public, but in practice can often let the sense of occasion (and the free flowing champagne) cloud our judgment.  And whilst a drunken reveler at a wedding reception may seem like good entertainment on the wedding video, it is a potential headache for the other wedding guests and the bride and groom!

To begin with a dress code may have been specified by the bride and groom.  Often referred to as black tie, evening dress or perhaps a specific theme, each guest will be expected to arrive suitably suited and booted as it were and to not do so would be considered rude in the eyes of wedding etiquette.  If you are at all concerned about what you are expected to wear then a polite phone call to the bride’s mother or to the maid of honor should help you.

For the wedding ceremony each guest is expected to arrive around twenty minutes before the bride.  If you are late do not enter the ceremony venue but instead go directly to the reception venue, you can give your excuses to the couple later.  To enter the ceremony part way through what will be an emotional time for the bride and groom is very unsettling and can spoil what would be a romantic atmosphere.

When shown to your seats at the ceremony, make sure you have turned off any mobile phones and pagers and that you are comfortable – some ceremonies can take a long time so try to visit the bathroom before you sit down!  Try not to make any blasphemous comments if the ceremony is a religious one and be careful of your language! 

The wedding reception is the part everyone looks forward to the most, but this too is often filled with many traditions and customs that require a degree of etiquette to be applied from the invited guests.  Don’t take advantage of your host’s hospitality too early on!  A welcome drink is usually on supplied one to each guest, so make it last unless a pay bar is available.  Depending on the style of the wedding and the hospitality laid on you maybe offered a refill, but try not to get roaring drunk before the first speeches have been given!

Make yourself available for the wedding photographs and don’t disappear off to the bar at the first opportunity!  Many couples like to have a photograph of themselves and all the wedding guests so whether you are close to them or not, make sure you can be found when called upon.  Peaking too soon on the free Champagne and wine is one of the biggest problems faced by wedding guests and the bride and groom.  No-one wants a drunken reveler loosing all their inhibitions and shouting out comments about the bride or what the groom got up to on the bachelor party!  Keep the drinking in check at least until the evening party is in full swing, then you can let loose!

By Georgina Clatworthy

By modern standards there are many different ways of getting married and of celebrating the occasion.  The traditional white wedding is perhaps less favored these days, although for many a formal occasion with many of traditions and customs is popular.  And, although times have changed and the modern wedding etiquette guide is now more widely accepted, the idea of a wedding having a big sense of occasion has remained and it is this that will sway many brides towards a church wedding rather than a small civil affair.

Wedding etiquette has not been immune to the changes in the modern wedding, couples these days are less likely to follow it to the letter and instead the unwritten rules of social behavior have been relaxed and amended a little!  Gone are the days when the bride and her mother would organize everything, when it was customary for the groom’s parents to pay for the ceremony and the bride’s parents to pay for everything else and even the roles of the wedding party has changed significantly.

That said, so many couples still like to let the traditional etiquette guide them and to take on board the opinions and feelings of their family and friends.  There are many protocols, traditions and customs associated with weddings, but just how many are included in the modern wedding is a matter for the bride and groom.  Whether you choose to follow wedding etiquette to the letter or to decide to follow just a few of the formalities, the modern wedding does require a certain amount of flexibility within the long-established etiquette familiar to most.

Invitations for instance, traditionally wedding etiquette would guide the couple to choosing formal wedding invitations which contain just the bare minimum but essential information the wedding guest would need to know.  Enclosures such as gift registries, accommodation and travel details and perhaps even RSVP cards where definitely frowned upon, but for the modern wedding they have become something of a necessity if only to save the bride’s sanity from answering endless phone calls about local hotels, directions, and preferred wedding gifts!  The inclusion of an RSVP card also necessitates a speedier response from the recipient, allowing the wedding planning to proceed at a faster pace than perhaps it would with a more traditional wedding.

The matter of who pays for the wedding and who consequently will host it has also changed beyond traditional etiquette.  As alluded to earlier the groom’s parents would pay for the ceremony, the groom would pay for honeymoon and the bride’s parents would foot the bill for everything else.  Because they would have paid the most, the bride’s parents would then become the hosts, hence the traditional wedding invitation wording ‘Mr & Mrs Smith request the pleasure of the company of ……….. at the wedding of their daughter Felicity Jane to Michael James Brown’.

Today most couples will pay for the wedding themselves or the cost will be shared between the couple and their parents.  This can lead to a dilemma – who is the host? Traditional wedding etiquette would say that whosoever paid the most amount of money towards the wedding would become the hosts, but many couples will still observe the traditional rule of the bride’s parents being the hosts.  I guess what I am trying to point out is that in the modern wedding anything goes! You can choose to follow the traditional wedding etiquette to the letter or to bend the rules a little in your favor.  Making your life a little easier during the wedding planning is no bad thing and on the whole is encouraged, do what you feel comfortable with and abandon the rest – it is your wedding so do it your way!

By Georgina Clatworthy

It is common etiquette to have your wedding thank you cards written and in the post within two months after the wedding day.  And whilst your thank you cards don’t need to be long, they should be written with a friendly, personal manner.  Of course what you write can depend largely on your own personal writing style and your relationship to the person you are writing to. 

So here are three sample cards for your wedding thank you notes which you can adapt to suit your own needs:

Sample 1: To a close relative

Dear Auntie Susan

Thank you so much for the wonderful wedding present.  It was lovely to be able to come back from honeymoon and have so many wonderful presents waiting for us.  Your gift looks wonderful on our (mantelpiece, shelf, garden etc).

We both hope you enjoyed the wedding as much as we did.  It was lovely to have all our family and friends sharing our day with us.  It is back to reality now, but married life is great and we hope to throw another party soon.

All our love,

Sample 2: To close friends

Dear Rob and Jenny,

Thank you so much for joining us on our wedding day, it was wonderful to see you there and especially considering the long journey you made to be with us.

We were delighted to receive your check and we have decided to put the money to good use in tidying up our garden.  We hope you enjoyed the wedding as much as we did, when you next visit you must remind us to show you the wedding video, Rob has an Oscar worthy performance in it!

Thanks again for the check and we hope to see you soon.

Love,

Sample 3: To an absent guest

Dear Mr Jones

Thank you for your card and generous wedding gift.  It was so kind of you to think of us on our wedding day and we were sorry you were not able to celebrate with us.

We had a wonderful day – although we both felt it was over too soon.  The weather was on our side and was marvelous for whole day.

We do hope we shall see you again soon and thank you once again for your gift.

Kind regards,

There are a few things you will need to remember about your thank you cards.  Firstly, never type them.  This is deemed unforgivable in wedding etiquette and is considered a sign that you have simply sent the same message to all your guests.  A handwritten note on the other hand shows you have put some thought into your words.  You can type the address though!

Secondly, if you leave it too long to send them out, you will have to write a message which explains why it took you so long.  Emails and text messages are not acceptable either as they imply you are stingy to purchase cards, envelopes and a stamp!

 By Georgina Clatworthy

Whatever the circumstances that have brought you to this article you have my sympathy, not only because you are calling off your special day, but also for the tasks that are ahead of you.  It is by no means an easy thing to call off a wedding, no matter how far into the wedding planning you were.

I am not just talking about canceling venues, bookings & vendors but also having to call all those people with whom you shared such joy at your forthcoming marriage.  This is no easy task but it is something you have to do.  On a more positive note, if you are in this position you can at least call on others to help you with the situation.

Whilst it is possible you are in no mood to be telling everyone exactly why you are not getting married any longer & even overwhelmed at the thought of where to start with the cancellations, approaching it one step at a time will help you through.

It is also worth noting that both the bride & groom are responsible for canceling their wedding.

So should you be in the position where you have to call the whole thing off, here is a guide to approaching it in the right way.

• No Announcement Sent - If you haven’t yet informed everyone of the wedding then you only need to tell those people that you have told yourself.
• Announcement Sent - If you have announced the wedding then you need to send out a second announcement informing everyone that the wedding is off.
• Newspaper Announcements - If you announced your engagement in the newspaper then you will need to book another announcement saying that the wedding has been cancelled by mutual consent. You don’t need to provide any more details.
• Wedding Invitations Sent - If you have sent out your wedding invitations then you will need to send out a card announcing that the wedding has been cancelled. Do this by post rather than by phone or email, it will avoid any awkward questions.
• Close To the Wedding Day - If your wedding day is just around the corner then you will need to act quickly to inform all the guests of the change of events. The guests to be told are those that are traveling from out of town. You don’t need to get into detail & don’t feel that you have to explain yourselves anymore than you are comfortable with.
• Postponing the Wedding - Postponing a wedding can happen for a number of reasons but you should still follow the advice as given above. Just make sure that the closer you are to the wedding date the less delay there is in telling everyone. Whether you are postponing because of illness, death or some other reason, they will understand if you tell them in plenty of time.   If you have already re-arranged a new date then you can include that information also. If you haven’t re-arranged it yet then tell them that a second invitation will be arriving shortly. Do not have a second bridal shower though!
• Calling Off the Wedding after the Wedding Shower - If you have already held your bridal shower & are now canceling the wedding for good you will need to take steps to inform your guests & to return any gifts you have received.  The gifts you will have been given & this can include any wedding  gifts from your registry, will have been given in celebration of your wedding & were intended for you both to share.  As the wedding is not going to happen you should return them to the gift giver promptly.  You should not have actually opened any of your gifts until after your wedding; if you haven’t opened them then it is a simple task to return them.  If you have opened them then you will need to arrange to reimburse the gift giver either with cash or in some other way.

 By Georgina Clatworthy

Wedding etiquette is a phrase you will probably hear a lot throughout your wedding planning, but do you know which areas of your wedding you should be applying it to?

No worry if you don’t, here is a quick guide to the most common applications of wedding etiquette which you can use for any style of wedding.

Invitations

This is probably the one area that most couples get stuck on.  Who sends out the invitations?  Who is hosting the wedding? & what exactly do we put inside?

To begin with invitations should be worded from the people who are hosting the wedding, so consider one of the following, to suit your wedding…

• Bride & Groom as hosts: Miss Joanne Smith & Mr Paul Jones request the pleasure of ……………. at their wedding.
• Bride’s parents as hosts: Mr & Mrs Simon Smith request the pleasure of …………….. at the marriage of their daughter Joanne to Mr Paul Jones.
• Divorced parents as hosts: Mr Simon Smith & Mrs Jayne Smith request the pleasure of …………….. at the marriage of their daughter Joanne to Mr Paul Jones.
• Evening Party invite only: Mr & Mrs Simon Smith request the pleasure of …………. at an after-dinner evening reception, following the marriage of their daughter Joanne to Mr Paul Jones.

Print RSVP in the bottom left hand corner so guests know you require a reply.  Include RSVP cards with the invitation for a speedier response.

Another good tip is to include maps, transport details & local accommodation.

Running Order

The Ceremony – The running order can be the same for religious & civil ceremonies but remember that a civil ceremony must not include any religious references, which includes any music you play.

The ceremony begins with the entrance of the bride, followed by an introduction, a hymn (religious ceremony), the marriage, prayers (religious ceremony) & readings or blessings.  Finally there is the signing of the register & your exit down the aisle as Mr & Mrs!

The Reception – At the reception your ushers will guide your guests to the car park & then into the venue.  As guests begin to arrive, allow half an hour to welcome them then serve canapés & aperitifs whilst the photos are taken.  Next follows the wedding breakfast & then the speeches & toasts.  Cutting the cake traditionally takes place once the wedding breakfast & speeches are finished.  Your first dance will take place when the evening party begins & your guests should stay until you leave the party.

Gifts

It is traditional to give the mom’s a bouquet of flowers at the reception & you should also have gifts for your bridesmaids, best man, ushers & flower girls & page boys.

Set up a gift registry with a reputable store or website so that guests who want to purchase a gift for you can choose something you want.  On average guests will spend between $30 & $70 each.

Many couples prefer cash or vouchers these days but it is considered bad etiquette to mention this in your invitations.  Ask your family & friends to pass the word around instead.  Another alternative is to put gift vouchers on your gift registry or set up a gift registry with a travel company so you can get vouchers towards your honeymoon.

From the Receiving Line to Seating Arrangements – What You Need to Know

By Georgina Clatworthy

Some wedding traditions never go out of fashion & these include the receiving line where the wedding party line up to greet the guests as they enter the wedding reception room, & the top table seating arrangement, which can be a source of confusion for many couples.  These days there can be many variables with families which often makes the line up for the wedding party & top table seating a difficult & confusing affair.  Some parents may have divorced, remarried or still be single.  Others maybe widowed.  Sorting who goes where doesn’t have to be a headache though with our quick guide.

The Receiving Line

The accepted receiving order is:

• Bride’s Mother
• Groom’s Father
• Groom’s Mother
• Bride’s Father
• Bride
• Groom
• Chief Bridesmaid
• Best Man

 If you have step parents involved then those parents who are hosting the wedding should be first in line.  However, this in itself can cause difficulty & you may need to come to some other arrangement to keep everyone happy.  If you can’t find a solution that is acceptable to all then consider just receiving the guests on your own or simply abandon the receiving line altogether, let the guests in all at once, stick a cocktail in their hands & greet them all by circulating instead!

The Top Table Seating Plan

The accepted top-table seating plan is:

• Chief Bridesmaid
• Groom’s Father
• Bride’s Mother
• Groom
• Bride
• Bride’s Father
• Groom’s Mother
• Best Man

If either set of parents is divorced & has remarried it could look something like this:

• Groom’s Step-Mother
• Bride’s Step-Father
• Chief Bridesmaid
• Groom’s Father
• Bride’s Mother
• Groom
• Bride
• Bride’s Father
• Groom’s Mother
• Best Man
• Bride’s Step-Mother
• Groom’s Step-Father

Some step-parents may prefer not to sit at the top table (or you may not want them to) so you will need to sit them elsewhere.  However, if the bride’s step-father is giving her away & not her natural father, then it is he who should sit beside her at the top table & not her natural father.

Setting out the Reception Room

Table layouts

Your table layouts will depend on the shape of the tables available (unless you hire in your own).  You will need to consider how many tables will be required & how they can be best laid out in the room so as to make it look balanced & not overcrowded.  The most common layout is with round tables for the guests & a long top table which gives a balanced look & allows the guests a good view of the wedding party.

Avoid using a round table for the top table because the guests will not be able to see the bride & groom as they will be obscured by other people sat around the table.

Don’t forget a small table to display the wedding cake on. This is usually set up to one side of the top table, but you may have a better, more prominent position in mind.

Guest seating arrangements

Seating your guests can be a bit of a headache particularly if you want to keep certain people separate for whatever reason.  It is usual to seat your family & close friends nearest the top table, with other all other guests seated further away. 

If your tables are long seat couples opposite each other & alternated between male & female.  If you did decide to split couples up make sure they are not sitting too far away from each other.  If you have invited children make sure they are seated with their parents. 

It is always a good idea to seat guests with other people they know as this will make them feel more comfortable & will help to great a nice relaxed atmosphere around the wedding reception.  If this isn’t possible with all your guests, try to seat people in groups according to age or with people you feel will get on well.  The last thing you want is for your guests to feel uncomfortable because they are sitting with people they don’t know, so avoid the temptation to fill your tables with guests who have no connection with each other.

Printed table plans

Make sure your guests can find their tables & places by presenting a seating plan at the entrance to the wedding reception room.  A seating plan shows all the tables with the guests names assigned to them.  It is also a good idea to name or number your tables to make it even easier.  Some seating plans can be laid out to show the layout of the tables in the room.

Table place cards

Use name cards at each place setting to ensure guests can find their seats.  You can print or hand write these at home on little folded cards or use mini frames to display them in.  When you write the names out stick to the format of your wedding invitations, for instance if your wedding invitations were written in a formal style then you should your guests names with their title first i.e. Mr David Smith with his wife Mrs David Smith written on another card.  If your wedding invitations were less formal then you can just write the guests first & last names i.e. David Smith & Sarah Smith on separate cards.

A guide to actually getting all those thank you cards done

By Georgina Clatworthy

Your thank you cards are as important as your wedding invitations.  You should make special effort to write one for every person who has given you a gift for your wedding.  But if you have had a large number of gifts, then writing out all those thank you’s can seem a bit tedious.  However, follow these quick tips & you should race through your thank you cards in no time! 

• 1. Write thank you cards as soon as you receive the wedding gifts.
  Commonly it is polite to send out your cards within five weeks of the wedding, but you can reduce the amount of time it will take you if you write them as you receive the gifts or a few at a time. You could write a generic thank you on your home computer & print it out onto your cards, but I would recommend hand writing them as it gives a more personal touch. For my thank you cards I wrote a poem thanking everyone for the lovely presents.
• 2. Split up the work.
  Traditionally the thank you cards are written by the bride, but there is nothing to stop the groom helping out too. After all they were his gifts as well! A good way to split the work is to divide the list according to friends & family, so you each write to your own.
• 3. Avoid the need to be creative.
  When you first begin writing it is tempting to write personal messages in each & every one. However, after you have written out about a dozen of these you may start to find the task somewhat laborious & possibly short of original things to write! Don’t expect friends & family to compare their thank you notes (chances are they will be opened, read & filed within 5 minutes of receiving them) so you can repeat messages in each card. Before you start, it could be worth just jotting down a few choice phrases & greetings which you can rotate in your notes.
• 4. Create a thank-you-card-writing station.
  Set up a work area, that is comfortable & well lit to work at. Set out paper, thank you cards, envelopes, address book, pens & of course your list of who sent what. You will find that you can sit there quite happily & write a few dozen cards quite quickly without any distraction.
• 5. Use your invitation list as a handy address book and checklist.
  If you had set up a spreadsheet to record your guest list & their addresses it would be a good idea to add in an additional column to record the gift they gave. This way you will have a complete record of who gave what & their address in one handy sheet. You will save time as you won’t have to keep looking through your address book to find out where each guest lives.

Is There a Polite Way to Ask for Money Instead of Wedding Gifts?

By Georgina Clatworthy

Traditionally couples would put together a wedding list based on the items they would need to be able to set up home together after they were married.  A traditional gift list consisted of items such as dinner services, toasters & towels.  In modern times however, couples tend to live together before they marry & consequently already have many of the items that would have normally been included on a traditional gift list.  These days it is far more common for couples to want to ask for money or vouchers instead.  However, many couples do feel uncomfortable asking for money as a wedding gift & are unsure as to how to ask guests to give them a monetary gift.  So how do you politely ask guests to give you money instead of a potentially unwanted gift?  Here is some advice to help you.

Wedding Invitations & the Sticky Subject of Money

Asking outright for a monetary gift on your wedding invitation is in fact downright rude.  Even if you are creative in asking, perhaps you want money donated to a charitable cause or you want gift vouchers for a certain store, asking for wedding gifts in your wedding invitations is a big no-no & goes against common wedding etiquette.  Sending a gift list or asking for gifts actually implies that the guest is required to give you a present.  Keep your wedding invitations free from any mention of gifts & purely to convey your wish that they attend your wedding.

So, How Do You Let Guests Know?

It is most likely that guests will contact yourselves or other members of the bridal party to ask about gifts or for registry information.  Be honest with members of your bridal party about your gift wish list so they can convey your wishes in the best way.  It may be a good idea to set up a gift registry & also make a mention of your wish to receive money. Perhaps you want to put it towards a certain item such as a sofa or you are saving for a down payment on your first home.  This way guests have a choice of what to give you.

Should We Still Register?

As mentioned above putting together a gift registry is still a good idea.  Some of your guests maybe uncomfortable about giving you money & a gift registry would give them a choice.  You don’t need to put together an extravagant list but instead keep it modest.  There are plenty of items you could choose even if you have most of your basic needs, such as kitchen equipment or linens.  Look for recreational equipment, ornaments or art.

Honeymoon Registries, Create-a-Gift, Mortgage Registry

Many companies have been creative with the traditional gift registry & are in tune with what modern couples need & want.  You can set up a honeymoon registry where guests can give gifts of a romantic dinner for two or theatre tickets.  You will receive the cash sum which you can use towards your honeymoon.  The Suntrust Bank has set up a registry for guests to give money which goes towards a deposit on a home.  Other sites offer ‘create-a-gift’ options which allow you to ask for money towards any gift you can think of by way of gift checks.

What you need to decide is if you are comfortable asking for these things? There is potential for such requests to seem greedy or as rude as asking for cold hard cash.  Setting out a honeymoon registry with a specific itinerary, where your guests can really feel like they are contributing a wedding gift & not just handing over money could alleviate such fears.  It is worth remembering that even the traditional gift list was at one time considered the height of bad manners, although as gift registries continue to rise in popularity such thoughts are likely to become a thing of the past.

Take Note of the Etiquette of Gift Lists

By Georgina Clatworthy

Compiling your wedding gift registry is a fun part of your wedding planning but make sure you don’t make these common errors when putting your list together.

Offer plenty of choice

Be sure to offer plenty of options to your guests including a wide range of prices with gifts suitable for every guest to give you.  If you list is too limited then your guests won’t have much choice  & may be left with items above their intended budget.
 
Be careful not to offend

If you know some guests may be offended to receive a copy of the gift list make sure it isn’t included with the invitation or sent out by the registry provider.  Proper etiquette states it is rude to send a gift list out with your invitations although many couples do it.  Many brides will know who would appreciate some gift advice & who would rather pick their own gift, so use your discretion when it comes to sending them out.  An alternative way to give guests the gift list is to include a note with invitations asking guests to contact you if they would like a copy, although this does double the postage costs.
 
Remember the details

Don’t forget who sent what after you have opened all your gifts & make sure you send a thank-you card.  When you open your presents make a note of who sent what & keep the cards with the presents to make doubly sure you don’t get it wrong.  If you use a gift registry service or specialist company they will often supply you with a print out of who bought what making it even easier for you to make out your thank you notes.
 
Play the diplomat

If you find yourself in the predicament of an unwated gift or gifts you have two options.  If you know where it came from take it back & see if you can exchange it for something more suitable.  However, one problem may be if the gift giver comes to visit & is expecting to see it in situ.  The option is to be open & upfront & tell them you don’t like it or be diplomatic & explain that you already have something similar.  Don’t be tempted to tell them you hate or that it is hideous!

Follow Invitation Etiquette When Writing Your Invites

By Georgina Clatworthy

When sending out wedding invitations it is usually the tradtion for them to be sent from the bride’s parents, who would be hosting the event.  However, in modern times most couples pay for their own wedding & will word the invitations from themselves.  But with increasing numbers of couples finding themselves with divorced, remairried or perhaps widowed parents choosing the correct wording for the invitations can prove to be something of a headache.

When it comes to the wording of your invites, most will stick to a formal template & make a few minor adjustments according to who are the hosts & their personal situations.  Below are some templates for you to use in your invitations. 

Traditional template (bride’s parents as hosts)
Mr & Mrs John Smith request the pleasure of your company (or insert name of guest/s here if you haven’t written it in the top left hand corner of the invite)
at the marriage of their daughter Jane
to
Mr Jack Jones
at
The Village Church
On 5th August 2008
And afterwards at
The Village Hall

Replace with the following wording, if the hosts differ:

Bridal couple as hosts
Miss Jane Smith & Mr Jack Jones request the pleasure of…………at their marriage

Divorced parents as hosts
Mr John Smith & Mrs Liz Smith request the pleasure of………..at the marriage of their daughter Jane.

Remarried mother/father as host
Mr & Mrs James Brown/ Mr & Mrs John Smith request the pleasure of…………
At the marriage of her/his daughter Jane

Widowed mother as host
Mrs John Smith requests the pleasure of………. at the marriage of her daughter Jane